I took this video maybe a month ago now. Took me a while to get around to putting it together. These were just some clips I took during a really nice weekend visit to Beihai Park.
Check it out, I got paid for this. It’s out in print, too.
Just another 25 years and I’ll have written the great American novel.
I finally started a job on Monday. It’s with New Oriental, the big English training corporation, but the branch I’m with is fairly small and new and does online Chinese teaching aimed at foreigners. It’s supposed to be a new competitor of Chinese Pod, which is well known and seems to make a fairly decent product. See New Oriental’s pitiful efforts at Target Chinese. Note the panda wearing headphones, and of course the obligatory gong sound as you enter the page. Fun fact: not only did the Chinese invent gunpowder and movable type, they also invented stereotypes! Also key are the three sexy babes who really like learning Chinese, and let’s not forget Jack, the awesome black dude who will be teaching live class in 2 hours, 15 minutes and 38 seconds. Better hurry up and subscribe.
Here is a picture of my cubicle:
I don’t know if the picture quite portrays how small this thing is. I can’t really turn my chair if somebody comes to talk to me, and I have to scoot out the side to get up. And see the tray where the keyboard is supposed to go? I think maybe if they gave me a stool to sit on I could pull it out.
I didn’t see any small cubicles like this when I came into interview; everybody was sitting in pretty reasonable open workspaces, so as you can imagine, I was not happy about my assignment. I was also surprised to discover on my first day that I was only going to earn 80% of my salary during my three month trial period. And to add insult to injury, they told me on my second day that in order to get a work visa, I have to pay for a physical from the government’s exit and entry inspection bureau, which will cost me 650 RMB — more than a tenth of my salary during the trial period.
On Wednesday I stopped the HR guy in the hallway to tell him I quit. He said, “Okay, I’ll get my assistant to help you fill out some forms.” No, please, don’t try and stop me. Really, it’s too much.
Well, I waited around for his assistant to come so I could leave already, and finally my boss came and told me she didn’t want me to go, and asked what they could do to keep me from leaving. I told her they needed to pay me what I was originally promised, get me a human-sized workspace, and pay the costs of my physical. She told me there was nothing she could do herself, but suggested I go talk to the general manager and try to negotiate. I said I didn’t want to bother the manager myself, so my boss went and talked to her for me, and eventually the manager came over all smiles and invited me for a chat, where she agreed to pay me my whole salary, and get me a decent desk by Monday, but wouldn’t budge on the 650 RMB. Fine. Back to work.
The area around my office is really interesting. There’s a big public square with trees and everything, and about half of it is actually built on the tops of a number of commercial buildings, with walkways across the roofs. On one side of the square there’s a sort of garden showcasing big pieces of poo. I don’t know how else to describe it. Here’s some pictures:
Four pieces.
I don’t know why there are tarps there. These two chunks must have recently been unveiled.
The red one on the left is apparently post-hot-pot spicy poop. This amuses me to no end during lunchtime.
As to what my job actually involves, it’s nothing really worth mentioning, but you’ll probably see me appear in some of the free lessons on our website soon. They say my voice is “magnetic,” but I think it sounds like I have a cold.
They operate from a bare apartment on a remote island in the East. Their skin is dark, their hair is black, their eyes… slanty. These are the Chinese, the crafty people inhabiting vast regions of land across the seas, and they are attacking our internets.
According to U.S. Defense experts, ancient Chinese philosophy and culture, these pearls of mystic wisdom which have been passed down and polished through untold dynasties, are in fact entirely designed to provide the modern day Chinaman with the secrets by which he will destroy our internets, steal our infos, and wreak pestilence upon all civilized peoples of the West.
Yesterday, one of these sly hackers, who wished to be known as Xiao Chen, because “those stupid foreign devils will never figure out how to pronounce it,” revealed to reporters a number of these ancient Oriental secrets which will soon become our demise:
“There is a saying,” said Xiao Chen, “Know about both yourself and the enemy, and you will be invincible.” Reporters were soon lulled into a deep trance by the melodic tones of the Chinese tongue, and Xiao Chen promptly began stealing their secrets. However, one CNN reporter, trained in the arts of psychic resistance, remained stolidy unfazed. Xiao Chen continued, “Lao Tzu also says: The way that can be named is not the true way.”
According to expert Sinologists contracted to the Pentagon, Lao Tzu was one of the forefathers of ancient Chinese thought, and was primarily responsible for developing the mysterious secrets which will soon end our cherished way of life. According to one professor of Classical Chinese who wished to remain anonymous, “Lao Tzu” simply means “old man,” but when written backwards and upside down with a brush made of wolves’ hair dipped in the blood of a diseased yak, means “attack internets.”
U.S. Military analysts say that although the technology is not yet ready, they are hopeful that we will soon be on the way to developing a functional time machine. “We’re gonna travel back there and stop that slanty bastard before he even gets started,” said one defense official. “We are going to nip this thing in the bud. Then our internets will be safe.”
For more in depth coverage, see CNN’s reports.
China Daily came to do a piece at Go Club a couple of weeks ago. Sadly I had neglected to shave that day, and soon all of China will see how filthy I am. They don’t seem to have put the footage up yet, but you can see a couple of pictures of me on the Go Club website. As you can see, I was happily destroying my opponent:
http://www.beijinggoclub.com/february.html
I’ll post another link when I find out that China Daily’s piece is up.
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