They operate from a bare apartment on a remote island in the East. Their skin is dark, their hair is black, their eyes… slanty. These are the Chinese, the crafty people inhabiting vast regions of land across the seas, and they are attacking our internets.

According to U.S. Defense experts, ancient Chinese philosophy and culture, these pearls of mystic wisdom which have been passed down and polished through untold dynasties, are in fact entirely designed to provide the modern day Chinaman with the secrets by which he will destroy our internets, steal our infos, and wreak pestilence upon all civilized peoples of the West.

Yesterday, one of these sly hackers, who wished to be known as Xiao Chen, because “those stupid foreign devils will never figure out how to pronounce it,” revealed to reporters a number of these ancient Oriental secrets which will soon become our demise:

“There is a saying,” said Xiao Chen, “Know about both yourself and the enemy, and you will be invincible.” Reporters were soon lulled into a deep trance by the melodic tones of the Chinese tongue, and Xiao Chen promptly began stealing their secrets. However, one CNN reporter, trained in the arts of psychic resistance, remained stolidy unfazed. Xiao Chen continued, “Lao Tzu also says: The way that can be named is not the true way.”

According to expert Sinologists contracted to the Pentagon, Lao Tzu was one of the forefathers of ancient Chinese thought, and was primarily responsible for developing the mysterious secrets which will soon end our cherished way of life. According to one professor of Classical Chinese who wished to remain anonymous, “Lao Tzu” simply means “old man,” but when written backwards and upside down with a brush made of wolves’ hair dipped in the blood of a diseased yak, means “attack internets.”

U.S. Military analysts say that although the technology is not yet ready, they are hopeful that we will soon be on the way to developing a functional time machine. “We’re gonna travel back there and stop that slanty bastard before he even gets started,” said one defense official. “We are going to nip this thing in the bud. Then our internets will be safe.”

For more in depth coverage, see CNN’s reports.

Posted in Real News